22 - Pale Illusions

“Abstraction always felt like the core of my emotions that seemed impossible to express.” That's how Meri Sawatsky, AKA Pale Illusions, describes her use of abstraction in art. When I read this, it really resonated with me. I’ve never had the right words to express what abstract art is for me. It was so refreshing for someone else to voice something that I often think about. Emotions can be overwhelming for me and I often have a hard time expressing certain things verbally. But there are those aspects of ourselves that are better expressed nonverbally. 

Meri creates beautiful works of art that express those deep, raw emotions. To me, abstract art is not just about the expression of the emotion but also a way to reflect on that emotion and sit with it. It has a calming effect on me. There is the act of creating and bringing those feelings into the world. Then there is the process of reflection. When I observe Meri’s work, I am brought into that world of expression and reflection. Abstract shapes and lines create movement that brings the eyes around her beautiful embroidery. As someone who really loves mandala work, I think of her pieces as a map of the psyche. A mesmerizing cycle of life. Slow down and take time to see what meaning you find in abstraction. 

Can you tell us about yourself and what you do?  

Growing up in Southern British Columbia, I was surrounded by music, crafts, creativity, and sewing. Creative rebellion coincided with my strict formative years. That rebellion was in the name of finding who I am outside of that world, bringing me to Alberta, then back to B.C. where I now call Vancouver Island home. I'm a live model, I make music, poetry, and a variety of visual arts, where I’ve settled into fibre arts focusing on embroidery.  

What has your journey been like as an abstract artist? 

Very satisfying. Though it started slowly. It turns out that abstraction defines the parameters of how I think now. When I made art as a kid, I was trying to emulate what I -should- be making. The first painting on canvas that I made was a white lily on a plaid background. The perfect combination of grace and domesticity.  

I grew up without being able to express the enormous feelings that came as a consequence of challenging and unfair circumstances. In adolescence, I was given permission to paint on my walls where my abstraction found its infancy. As a way to cautiously test abstraction I leaned on surrealism. Abstraction always felt like the core of my emotions that seemed impossible to express. The artform has since become a close friend, entangling itself within me. My inner world is abstract. Dreams, feelings, thoughts, it has taken much training and effort to articulate and structure the weather that is my world. Abstraction feels fluid to me, it is the language of my earliest development. 

You mention something in your bio about 'wanting to express your obsession with the dream state.' This really peaks my interest. Can you share a bit more about this?  

I find inspiration in my dreams. I go through phases where my dreams leave a residue on my waking life, coming clean once I process it through creation. I’ve realized that my dreams are odd. People in my dreams speak telepathically, as they don’t really have mouths, this includes emotion as a form of telepathic communication. Often they're a series of random events swirling with blurred and off kilter scenes. Abstracted and only felt. I sometimes dream in neon technicolour as well, which I used to use a lot more in my work. Now it feels too obvious and tired. I have started reproducing texture instead. I try to capture the textural movements displayed and there is so much of it, it's overwhelming. I see my dreamstate as a wood chipper that takes in the experiences I'm supposed to deem as important and then reflects it back to me in ways that might allow me to re-evaluate how I perceive something. I learn a lot through the disparate information I get back. Sometimes, it's just purely entertaining.

Is there anything that you are challenging yourself with currently?

I'm slowly attempting to gain the skill set of quilting but it is a patient journey. However, balance and creativity as a whole seems to be pretty challenging for me. I have been implementing a lot more structure for the last year and it does really affect my art and output. I generally automatically rebel against self prescribed limitations, even if they have my own best interest in mind. A combination of dedication and desperation has helped something to click and now I'm much more rigorous in my day to day. It is still a challenge to not drop everything and surrender to impulse, though I am not sure if that will ever go away, no matter how much I try. I have so many ideas and mediums I want to play with and constantly feel as though I'm pulled away by the requirement of responsibility. 

Are there any people in particular that have influenced your style or art? 

Early, my mother and my cousin both had a lot of influence. My mother is a seamstress and avid phonecall doodler. She taught me how to follow through with making things and gave me my love of fibre and detail. Witnessing the things that my cousin made cracked my world open. It was dark and strange to me which was intriguing to no end. Seeing his work gave me permission to go further than I thought I could. To get comfortable with the uncomfortable. I was also a part of a group of people who gathered regularly and made/talked about art when I was a teenager. They were a bit older than me and introduced me to new mediums. As well as an unabashed outlook to creating that helped me to understand the importance of community in a time where I so deeply needed an outlet.

My sister too. She is an incredible artist and sewer. We’ve done a bunch of paintings together and I’m always pushed and inspired by her bravery in her art and how she makes. She has a lot of influence in my pushing myself to think in new ways. 

Otherwise, there are too many other artists to name. In this day and age of social media, there are countless people that inspire me. 

I should mention Louise Bourgeois, though. Finding her and her work was pretty monumental. 

How do you approach working on a new piece?  

With a haphazard spontaneity. Because my practice is so based around a balance of catharsis and escapism, there isn't much planning. It entirely depends on what is happening in my life. I thrift 90% of my materials which limits what inspirations I'm able to act upon. To fully articulate the process feels out of reach. It's too translucent and shifting to describe understandably, which is something I love about it. It's as if I contain an unknown language that only appears in fractions. 

How do you find inspiration? (Or how does inspiration find you?) 

In many many ways. Sometimes it's as simple as a certain material that I apply to a medium that I have on hand. Or an interesting method that I haven't tried before (rust dyeing is fascinating to me right now). Then it snowballs from there. Sometimes there's a situation in my life that is emotionally overwhelming and I need to make something of it or else it becomes obsessively stuck inside me. (Grief is a huge inspiration to me at the moment.) Other times I'm purely bored and I just start putting things together to see what happens. A narrative often tends to grow from that place later. There was a lot more of the latter when I was trying to make smaller individual works every day. Now I've put more focus onto long term projects that take weeks/months. But even then, I'm currently working on a piece that was inspired by a rusty grate found in my neighbours field. I previously did a series that was inspired by the dead and rotting fish in the local river from the salmon run. Inspiration for me is elusive and frequent simultaneously.  

What has been your biggest struggle as an artist? How did you overcome it?  

Great question, hard to answer. I don't know if I could quantify the biggest struggle. With how I use the creating of art therapeutically, life becomes interwoven into what I make. The artistic struggles are due to the struggles of lived experience. I don't know if I'll ever overcome any of it because I'm not really attached to that outcome. Struggling is an innate part of life, to be a human is to struggle with so much. I feel too deeply, and maybe to overcome that would be to existentially numb myself. Knowing how quickly I change, I could feel very different in the not so far future.

Do you have a daily art routine?  

Sometimes. More, weekly. And less routine, more "tending". I need a lot of rest in my life right now. I spent 7 years grinding away at this huge push towards creating an artistic style and base. I flexed and bent myself to fit into what I needed to do to create a full time life of art for myself. I'm tired. My practice has changed to leaning towards creating with more softness. Now I structure the rest of my life and allow for art to breathe into it.  

What advice would you give to other artists? 

I'm not sure I'm in much of a position to be giving advice. It's so different for everyone. I suppose it would be to not be afraid to ask for help. Reach out to people you admire. Create community around yourself and understand that discomfort is often a sign of something that would be of benefit to explore. 

What themes do you see in your art?  

Struggle. I think that's why I like that previous question so much. I see struggle in everything that I make, expressed in contrast and a love of sharp lines. Perhaps change is another theme. I have changed so much throughout my life, my work expresses that. I enjoy trying things out too much to stick to one thing for long. Change also represents my desire to continually grow. Constantly defying stagnancy permeates everything I make and do.  

I see defiance as well, pushing back against the restraints that formed me and how I was raised. I need to explore my inner landscape through material and immaterial form to feel okay and I think my work reflects that constant questioning. 

As an artist, do you feel you have a role to play in society?  

I think artists in general have a role, yes. But me, myself, I'm not sure. I think I have a lot of potential to effect change and I believe that I will continue to grow and hopefully that inspires others. But I've somewhat let go of the belief that I'm fulfilling some role set out for me or causing some great effect on the world around me. I don't think much about legacy anymore. I used to grip so tightly to the need for my art to have value in the lives of others. Now I believe we create our own meaning, which means my art is pretty much just for me. If others find something deep in it that touches them, I'm elated. But to think that I have a role to play, that's too much pressure.  

What is something that has really pushed you as an artist?   

Finding stability. Using art as a tool to process somatically how I experience the world has been the biggest motivator from the beginning. I often feel "not real" and art is a way of solidifying me to the experience of living. I go through periods where I crave making things. It consumes me and makes me bad at living a regular life until I give myself the time and space to be able to create.  

What are you currently working on?  

This and that. I have my fingers in a lot of pies. Like previously mentioned, there's the rusty grate piece. I'm sharpening my sewing skills by making little projects like kids toys and patching my clothing. I’m also dabbling in soft sculpture from time to time. I'm painting my first large mural, which is pretty thrilling. 

There are so many things that I have ideas for that get lost in the chaos of time and to-do's. However, I am working on allowing my mind to meander and conjure ideas without pressure. It's a pretty big change for me.  

Do you have any resources to share?  

I really like the book ‘You Are An Artist’ by Sarah Urist Green. It is a composition of art assignments by many varied artists that brings people right into the swirl of creative thinking. It's truly the most joyful thing to swim in.

Follow Meri on Instagram @paleillusionsart

To learn more about Meri, visit her website at paleillusions.com